The Unforgiveable
by Rosie55547
Summary: When Edward left Bella got involved in drinks,drugs and attempted suicide. Charlie had enough and got her commmited. Five years later Bella is still a patient. Will she ever get away from the torture? And will she find the Cullens again? Abuse/rape
1. Texas Odessa asylum for mentally ill

I used to be a nice girl. Innocent, friendly, shy, dull and loved a little. My name was Isabella Marie Swan. My life changed when I moved to the small town of Forks. I met new friends. I fell in love. Got my heart broken. Now I'm known as patient 417, I have been know as that since my father Charlie put me in here. He said he couldn't handle my crazed state anymore, that it was killing him watching me. Well guess what _daddy _I was better off at home killing myself on the drink and drugs it's definitely better than the _treatment_ people get in here. I still remember like its yesterday.

_Charlie's fist slammed down on the counter next to fridge where he was getting another beer. I looked up from the floor bored and slightly curious to his anger._

"_That's it! I've had enough. I can't stand it anymore Bells" he sighed _

"_What?" I asked before taking another puff on my cigarette_

"_You" he turned around to stare me in the eye, I stared straight back into them. They held sadness, sorrow, anger. "You're like a walking zombie honey. I can't sit here and watch you waste away. You need help Bella, serious help. This needs sorting out, you're not stable" he whispered directly to me. I snorted. Well we wouldn't be having this conversation if he wouldn't have found me in the bathroom and called an ambulance. That was my third attempt of suicide. It didn't go to plan. I woke up in hospital a couple of days later. It didn't stop me smoking pot or cocaine in fact it made me want it more. That was a few weeks ago._

"_What are you trying to say?"_

"_I'm sending you away Bella"_

"_I told you already dad I'm not going to Jacksonville with mom and Phil" a few weeks after... _they_ left Charlie tried to send me to Jacksonville, mom came out here and started_ _to pack my stuff then I... just... snapped. I threw a huge tantrum, cried to Charlie and then he let me stay here at home. That was the weekend I went out with Jessica to Port Anglers. We went to a party, I never smoked before let alone drugs or alcohol. When I tried all that stuff I found that I forgot about everything in my life. I had fun and smiled in which seemed like a life time. I got hooked, but I don't care. I'd still rather forget everything bad in my life, in fact I'd rather it just end full stop._

"_I'm not sending you to Renée Bells" he paused to take a deep breath "I'm sending you away... to... you're going to a place where you can be taken care off. Where you can get better"_

"_I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're talking about" I said confused_

"_It's place where you can talk to people about your problems. They're give you treatments to help you with your recovery. It will help you sweetie, you'll get better then come home brand new" he said with a smile on his face now._

_What the hell was he on about? A place where I'll be looked after? Where I'll get better. To talk to people. Treatments for my recovery? Was I going somewhere? What did he mean coming home brand new? Then it clicked. I gasped, first I was shocked, then hurt, scared, but like I usually do I build all my feelings into one emotion... anger, forget about anger it was pure rage._

"_You're sending me to a shrink!?" I screeched and tossed my cigarette to the ground._

"_Bella be rational-"_

"_Rational!" I interrupted him "How the fuck do you think I'm gonna be rational. You're sending me to a fucking nut house. Just you wait till I tell mom about this"_

"_Bella you're mother and Phil also think it would be a good idea for you. It's going to help you honey, then everything will be alright"_

"_I'm not fucking going, you can't fucking make me. If your mistaken Charlie I am a legal adult, therefore you cannot make me go to that fucking shit hole" I was sure my face was bright red from my fit._

"_Let's get something straight, sit the hell down, shut up and bloody listen" I was so shocked I had to sit down otherwise my legs would have give way on me, he never shouted at me like that and quite frankly he kind of scared me a little. "Good. You are going to the hospital, it will help you and I don't want your opinion on this Isabella" he hissed. We sat in an uncomfortable silence for what seemed years. I just couldn't move or even make a comment back to the person I called father. I didn't want to talk to him. I was his only daughter and he was giving me up to a crazy hospital. I didn't know much about this whole psychiatrist stuff, but I know the entire thing has to be built on trust. Yeah! Sure! I could tell the truth if I wanted to spend the rest of my life in a padded cell. I was distracted from my thoughts when I saw a pair of headlights flash across the wall from the window. I looked up to Charlie who had a slight scowl on his face. I frowned confused, until there was a knock on the door. Charlie smiled._

"_Don't worry Bell your gonna get better" he whispered then went out of the kitchen to get the door. What? Already? He tells like half an hour ago and now he's ready to get rid of me. No way am I going without a fight. I stood up abruptly and ran up the stairs. I slammed my door shut and fell to the floor in front of it. Ohh shit! What hell am I going to do? Wow I did not think this through, did I? I heard them running up the stairs. I jumped up and ran to the other side of the room. _

"_Bella! Get out now! They are only trying to help! Get out or I'm gonna knock this door down!" he was serious. Shit, shit, shit, what the fuck am I doing? They were still shouting, but my mind blocked them off. I need something, anything, to throw at them, to fight them off. In the corner of my eye I saw my raiser still there from this morning's shower and my last cutting session. Just as I picked it up, the door flew of the hinges. The men charged at me but I was ready, one made a grab for me, but I slashed his hand with the blade. He shrieked back as if I burned him._

"_Fucking hell, Jesus Christ" he cursed examining his injured hand. Charlie came in front of me._

"_Isabella, calm down, okay? It's all going to be okay Isabella" I was so concentrated on him I didn't realise the man on my other side, I remembered him as soon as he struck the needle in my arm. I dropped the blade and clutched my arm. Everything started to get fuzzy all of a sudden, the room was spinning. What the hell did he just give me? The man picked me up as if I weighed ten ponds instead of 100, I couldn't fight them off any more, I was so, so tired, I had no energy._

_I vagley remembered being thrown in the van, and then there was a laugh somewhere in the front._

_In the films the men in white coats come and collect you, force you out kicking and screaming, holding your arm so tight it felt the bones could crush in a instant, they chuck you in the back of the van without a care in the world and laugh sadistically. Well I can now tell some movies don't lie, they're not fake, they're real. This is happening to me, there isn't a single thing in the whole world to stop it, I'm on my own, I have no one, un loved, un wanted, alone and always will be, now I guess._

_Then everything went black. _

I will never forgive Charlie for this, also Renée, they put me in here, they destroyed me, and the people in here. When I first arrived here though I swore down that I would get out of this place, and bring others with me. Well that's kinda what we're planning now. We have meeting each might sneaking out of our rooms when we can. Sometimes we get caught on the way to the meetings, then we get punished, the punishment? Let's just say rats are treated with more care than us. Anyway, as I was saying we have meetings each night when we can, basically we discuss our ideas of staying safe, and getting out of the hospital. Alive. This meeting is for the sane only, most the people were sane when they arrived, but the umm,_ doctor's _if that's even what you call them changed that. Now when I arrived I thought shock therapy had been banned and against the law, I guess apparently not here. We are separated into two groups; Q and X, I'm in group Q, X is completely the other side of the hospital, I've only met them a few times and they're better off than us, mainly because we still stick up for ourselves, where as they will jump a cliff if they were told to do so. I'm with the seven of us, we're all friends, always have been since I arrived here. They stuck up for me, even took a few beating for me as have I for them.

There is; Nikki, the baby of the group she is only four-teen, we, well I mainly look after her, her room is right next to mine, so when something is going on I know when to deal with it. She's quite a petit little girl, long, wavy brown hair that flows down her back, to stop at her waist, brown chocolate eyes that look at you with her soul barred. In fact she is very much like me, stubborn most definitely. I consider her as my little sister for all purposes, we just aren't blood related. She only arrived about five months ago but soon adapted to our group. Her family sent her here they say she was too weird for them. She has a strange way of knowing things about people, what they like or dislike, how they feel, she is very considerate. I have asked more about her family, but she doesn't like too, she just claims that I'm all the family she needs now and always will.

Next is Abby, she's one of my best friends in here, she's funny, smart, she was once very strong and independent, she was the most feisty of us all but in here they keep her doped up all the time and mostly cuffed, so they can restrain her when necessary, she's a shadow of the person she was before. She always feels so guilty that she can't protect us, it's not her fault though, and none of us can stop them most the time. There is just so god damn many of them. She knows how to lighten the mood when all of us feel weak and insignificant. She has now just turned twenty-six. She was sent here about a year before me, she lost her boyfriend in car accident, she was the one driving, and like always she blames herself for it, she became suicidal. She was taken here by her father.

Emma-Louise is the eldest out of all of us she is the mother of our group. She is very much like Esme in a mothering way, she is certainly better than Renée will ever be that's for sure. She is seventy-six, yeah she is old, but she is brilliant. Her daughter took her here claiming she was a crazy old lady, the people here immediately took her in, hmph, and yeah they just couldn't wait to have another patient here. Her daughter just really didn't want to take responsibility for her that's all and couldn't wait to get her inheritance. Again I try to take all the harm from her to me, also the others try too.

Megan is the same age as me, well my physical age, I'll explain more another time. She is very much like Rosalie, beautiful, just like Rose. We don't always get along but we have each other's back sometimes. We argue like crazy, but at the end of the day I love her like mad I don't know what I'd do without her. She has been here the longest out of all of us, her parents abandoned her on the doorstep of a church, and the Nunn's gave her to the hospital. The Nunn's felt she deserved to be in a place like this since her parents gave her up there must be something wrong her. Which is wrong, sure she is a bit self observed. At the same time she is a very caring person.

Finally the twins, Aryan and Brylane, they are quite unusual names, but the names suite them very well. They're parents gave them up her at the hospital. Apparently they used to speak to things they're parents can't see, they were diagnosed as insane really. They do still speak to things even I can't see, they just say, they see spirits and always have been able too. For some odd reason I do believe them, I find it all very interesting. They are both seven-teen.

So that's all of us, we work together, plan together, talk together and most of all try to distract each other most of what we can from this place, now I must say plenty of the time it's extremely hard to forget. It's just us girl we never see any men other than the _doctor's _they are probably some other side of the building, I wouldn't know there is only a few other places I've been here.

"So what do you think Bella? Bella! What the hell? Earth to Bella, come back to us" Abby said frantically waving her hand in front of my face.

"Wow, err what did you say?" I missed that completely.

"Ohh my god, he has to explain it again, stop spacing out all the time Bells" Megan hissed.

I know it was really childish for me to do, but ohh well I did. I stuck my tongue out at her "Whatever!" I sneered. She snorted at me and flipped her hair over her shoulder. Hey! What did I tell you, she is a total Rose.

"Right I'll tell you again. I was thinking maybe, we could keep back each of our pills given to us, go out in the middle of the night and drug the sugar they use for they're coffee. Then when they're all drugged up we can make an escape" Abby had a smirk on her face, obviously pleased of her plan

"It's not a bad idea really, but how will we get every basted in this place because I can guarantee we won't"

"Ohh yeah well we can always think of the rest another time. The real question is if it can work, what you think Emma?" she asked

"It could very well be a good idea Abby sweetie, but we all should now go to bed it's getting late, all of you should get as much rest as you can" as she said that I saw Nikki yawn beside me. I smiled and rested my arm around her shoulder she snuggled into my side and sighed in content.

"Yeah I think that's a good idea, we should get some rest, we have plenty of time don't we?" they all nodded. I said goodnight to everyone. I had to help Nikki out to her room she was nearly un-conscious. I made sure to keep an eye out around the corner for any watchmen in the corridor. I sighed in relief it was clear. I helped Nikki into her bed and tucked her inn. I got up to leave but she grabbed my hand, I turned back to look at her. Her eyed were wide open staring at me with a smile on her face.

"What is it sweetie?" I sat back down next to her. She wrapped her hand tighter around my hand I squeezed it back in return.

"Sing me a song please" I laughed quietly

"Aren't you a little old to be sung to sleep" Shit I made a mistake there, I remembered when Edward used to sing my lullaby for me to sleep. No can't think that. He doesn't care about you anymore Bella. Never has, he doesn't love you none of them love you.

"I'm never too young to be sung to sleep, Bell please, it keeps the nightmares away" she pleaded, tears sprang to her eyes in an instant. I knew what her nightmares were about, when that one time _Derek_ got in here at the time I was locked in the cellar, chained to the wall. I stopped _Scott_ from hitting Emma, she is very fragile and it was our entire job to protect her. Derek got to Nikki and drugged her. That night he beat and raped Nikki. I will still never forgive myself for not being there to stop, but at that moment I was probably un-conscious, from so many blows to my body I had. I just still wish I was there to help her Nikki still has her nightmares from that event. Well so do I, and every time I wish I didn't have to relive it again, I have to when they feel like it. They took away our innocence, something we can never get back.

"Shh darlin, it's okay, no one's going to hurt you I'm here, you'll be fine, sweetie. Of course I'll sing to you" I said drawing my southern accent out. Yes that's right my accent changed a lot in the last five years. This place we're in now is in Texas, Odessa. Spending five years with the same people day in day out has some effect on you, especially their accents. I got into the small bed beside her and cradled her like a baby in my arms and kissed the top of her head, I started singing.

Smile though you're heart is hurting

Smile even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky,

you get by if you smile through your fears and sorrow's

Smile and maybe tomorrow,

you'll see the sun come shinning through

if you just light up your face with clearness

hide every trace of sadness

or though a tear maybe ever so near

that's the time you must keep on trying

Smile what's the use of crying

You'll see that life is still worthwhile if you just smile

Her eyes fluttered shut, her breathing deepened in sleep. I smiled down at her and kissed the top of her head again. I got up to tuck her back in the blankets. She settled down deeper in her pillow.

"Goodnight sweetheart, I will always be here for your bad dreams and sing them away, I love you my little sister"

"I love you too Bellz" she slurred

I laughed quietly I walked silently to my own room. I will get out of here, we all will, I'm going to make sure of it. I settled down in my bed and slipped into a rare dreamless sleep.

* * *

I woke up to like every morning; screaming, for some patients here it's their treatment day, like me. They will probably collect me in a few hours. I shuddered at the thought. Who would come for me today?

1. Water Treatment

Where we were submerged in ice-cold water for extended periods of time. Sometimes we were wrapped in sheets which had been soaked in ice water and restrained.

2. Shock Therapy

Electric shocks were administered to some submerged in water tanks or, more commonly, directly to the temples by the application of brine-soaked electrodes. I had that one time and I will never for the rest of my life forget it. I was made to hold a rubber piece in my mouth to prevent me from biting my tongue off during the convulsions which followed a treatment.

Then there was the other kind which I thank god everyday when I don't get it and hopefully never will. Some of the people in here who have had it made them more insane or simply ended up dead. The bodies are just chucked in a ditch and buried. Nobody would even know they were there. I'm sure these things they did were illegal. I bet the _doctor's_ as they call themselves don't even have a licence.

Its called lobotomy, some of the patients had their skulls opened and their neural passages separated midway through the brain. This difficult and arduous procedure killed so many people in here, but those who survived did in fact forget many things that happened to them in this place like their name. They also forgot a lot of other things, like how not to shit down your leg at dinner time. Open-skull brain surgery is a tricky business no matter how you slice it. Not like they care what they did to the poor people. I knew one girl called Kelly she was sent here for depression she never spoke to anyone so that got her a lot of beatings. She did speak to me though a few times. She told me about her family how it was her boyfriend who sent her in here, saying she didn't know how to look after her baby. He beat her, a lot. It was her main goal to get out and get to her baby so she hug her close to her. When I say it _was_ her main goal, I mean that she died a few days after the surgery was completed. And she was frown in the ditch with the others.

This simpler lobotomy became something of a craze in mental health circles in this place. The method involved knocking the patient unconscious with electric shocks, then rolling an eyelid back and inserting a thin metal ice pick-like instrument called a leucotomy, I think. A mallet was used to tap the instrument the proper depth into the brain. Next it was sawed back and forth. Sometimes this was done in both eyes. There is some evidence that this method actually helped some people with very severe conditions that were actually really needed help in this place, but _much_ more often the patient had horrible side effects and in many cases ended up nearly catatonic. How do I know? Emma told me, she was one of the few to survive it more than ten years ago. She said there was nothing wrong with her in the first place, but she was lucky to come out alright anyway, thank god.

Either way I'll get a good old kick in. I remember my first day here I would have never imagined my life to be like this.

_I heard the van stop with a screeching halt. Jesus! My head hurt like crazy. It was like my real bad hangover I had the other week with Lauren. I ended up spending the whole weekend over hers, both hiding on the couch under a bund of blanket and pain killers. Way to ruin the Saturday night buzz, right? The door opened and they dragged me out._

"_What the hell! You know I am the patient you doc's should be nice to me, I deserve kindness to get better, right?" I struggled with them, and added a little sarcastic remark, yeah even in a situation like this I can still be sarcastic. Besides there is nothing wrong with me. Charlie will realise how wrong he was in a few hours then come and get me, saying how sorry he is, then we'll get fast food on the way home, watch the game go to bed and everything will go back to normal._

_One of them laughed, while the other basted snorted. "Kindness suuure, there will be lots of that here" he said even more sarcastic than me. I struggled more. The first one slapped me hard across the face, shit! That hurt, I was so shocked of what just happened I stopped protesting all together and let them carry me in._

_When we entered there was a small plump woman at a desk, I guess she was the receptionist. She looked up at us with a small friendly smile on her face, but her eyes show sorrow and ... Pity? What is there to be pitiful for? _

"_Hello welcome back, I see this is Miss Isabella Swan" she had a southern accent. Just like the two fucking creeps beside me. Where the hell was I? She turned her eyes on to my face, she was apologetic._

"_Yeah this is her, make yourself useful and take her to her cell" the lady looked like she wanted to protest, but though otherwise._

"_Of course" she replied. The men let go of me and walked a corridor the opposite side of the area._

"_Come with me dear" she said. I followed her in silence, well silence between us not the other people in this place. There was screams of pure agony vibrating through the walls of the whole building. We reached the end of the long corridor of many metal doors where some of the screams held. She stopped then turned to face me._

"_Look I shouldn't really be telling you this it's just ... you seem different ... I know you're not meant to be in this place and I'm truly sorry that you are here" well at least she believes me. _

"_My uncle owns this place it's been in the family for years. My family are ... well the only way I can describe it is ... sick my family are really sick and they are the true one's who belong in this place. I don't want to be like them so this is why I'm warning you now. Just do as you're told, obey the rules, and stay out of trouble as much as you can. They're will be consequences as you can determine out of these screams. I will try to help you as much as I can like I do for the other patients who don't belong here, but no one can know. I would get into so much trouble and don't ask any questions not here, not right now, we don't have time" she said then went to open the door to the cell._

"_How do I know I can trust you?" I couldn't figure her out. Was she trying to trick me? I know I'm a teenager but I'm not that naive._

"_Don't worry, you can" was all she replied._

_She led me into the small room. Now I don't know all that much about design, fashion, decorating and all the other shit. But even I could tell it was dull, too dull. It was so ... depressing, like I'd never be happy again. The walls were white, while the floor was also white but tilled. There was a small metal bed in the corner with grey sheets and a light blue uniform or that's what it looked like, also a small chest of draws next to the bed. No window's no nothing, the only light supply was the tiny light dangling from the ceiling which was way too high, but it still seemed to light up the room. I walked to the corner and sat on the bed, it creaked loudly form my weight._

"_Right I know it's not much, but this will be your new room now, so you have to get used to it. Change into your new clothes and someone will be here in fifth-teen minutes to check on you" she turned to walk out the room, but there was something I needed to ask first._

"_Wait!" I called. She looked back at me curiously._

"_Yes?"_

"_What's your name?"_

"_Lisa. My name is Lisa"_

"_Thank you Lisa and yes. Yes I do trust you"_

_The corners of her mouth turned up into a little smile and her eyes lit up a little that I did trust her._

"_Okay, well like I said get changed into you new clothes as soon as possible and someone will be here shortly to meet you. Good luck" she whispered the last bit as she walked back out the room locking it behind her._

_I got changed quickly then just waited on my bed. That still felt weird saying my bed. _My _bed was small but definitely bigger than and much, much more comfortable. I wish I had it right now, in my house, in my room, but I won't. I'm stuck in here all because of that basted I called a father. How could he do this to me? How could he do it without a second of hesitation? Was I really that bad? Was I such an inconvenience to him? Of course I was. I'm nothing but a toy, someone who can be messed around with, and left to rot. My own parent threw me away into the gutter that has to mean something._

_The lock to my door suddenly opened and man came in wearing a white coat that came down to his knees and his hair combed back out of his face, he was holding a clip board, he walked in to stand in front of me. He looked up and smiled. Something about that made me uneasy, his ocean blue eyes sparkled but there was something off about them, they seemed hard and cruel. I shook it off and shuddered, and it wasn't from the cold._

"_Ahh miss Isabella, I presume" It wasn't a question clearly he knew who I was._

_I didn't want to speak, actually I didn't think I could, I just simply nodded at him. I really didn't like, I just wanted him to go away._

"_Well I'm Dr. Derek Frost, you can just call me Derek, I will be your doctor here for the time you'll be spending here. You will be having treatment every few days, but eventually the treatment will be further apart-" _

"_Wait! What kind of treatments?" his eyes visibly darkened as I interrupted him which made my voice trail off at the end. He took a step closer, so close I could feel the heat of his body radiating into mine. I didn't like how close he was to me it made me feel uneasy again and mostly ... scared._

"_Do not interrupt me! That is one of the things I will certainly not tolerate! Especially from you!" and of course my stupid old self channelled my emotions into anger. I stood up abruptly so now my face was inches from his._

"_Don't you dare shout at me like that! I did absolutely nothing fucking wrong! And you fucking can't make me do fucking anything! You're not the boss of m-" I was cut off by huge slag across my left cheek which literally knocked me off my feet. I fell sideways back on to the bed, but didn't stay there long. He grabbed me and shoved me up against the wall making my head hit the concrete with a painful bang._

"_Don't you dare talk back to me child! I was going to let you settle in and be nice to you, but now I think I should show you what happens to patients like you who break the rules. A lovely demonstration" he screamed in my face. His knee came up between us and kicked me in the stomach which made me heave over, but he wouldn't let me, he held me up and punched me in the ribs then threw me to ground like I was a sack of potatoes. I screamed out by the force as I made contact. But her wasn't done he kicked me in my ribs again, making curl up in a ball in attempt to protect myself. Then it stopped. My lungs were burning every time I took a breath, I ached all over, my brain screamed at me to end the pain, but I couldn't, I couldn't move as I tried to control my breathing, I never felt so much physical pain since James bit me and the fire burned all through my body._

"_I hope that will explain what happens when you mess with me Miss Swan, it was pleasure to meet you, you're treatment will begin in two days time, goodbye for now Isabella"_

_He walked out of the room, locking it behind him and left me there. Lisa was right, I didn't belong here and most importantly her family is sick. How could she stand? And why the hell is she still here, and not going to the police? I curled up more hiding my face in my hands, closing my eyes and ignoring the tears streaming down my face._

My first day here and most certainly not my worst day here. My ribs ached for day and I had a hug blue bruise across my face. My door opened and in came the devil himself.

"Hello Isabella" he said sweetly, I cringed I hated it when he called me by my full name, in fact I hated when everyone called me it, it brought up too many bad memories. I nodded to him making it clear that I had heard him speak.

"Come along now then Isabella, you have plenty of treatment today to help you on the right track, and plenty more to come" I just nodded again and sat in the wheelchair and let him strap my wrists and ankles down so I couldn't escape. I found it pointless now to try and struggle it would only end worse off for me. He wheeled me out through the corridors to the treatment room. I passed many patients on the way some looked so defeated and dead in the eyes. I didn't look at them too long, I'd be caught up in too much emotion, and I just left my blank expression my face. We got into the room and I saw the bed with the machines wired up next to it, and I knew my_ treatment_ today. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, breathing through my nose and out through my mouth. I opened my eyes slowly as the other_ doctor_ Smith spoke.

"Let's get you ready then Isabella"

And the torture begins.


	2. Pain is feeling

**A/N I know it took a little while for me to update, it took me all weekend to do it but I've finally finished**

**This is not going to be set in the fifties even though I know it was done in them times, but I have something up my sleve and it will be revealed later on.**

**I don't know when the Cullen's will come into this, don't worry though because they will. Bella and Edward will be together. I'm not sure about Bella being a vampire yet, she has changed a lot.**

**Than you for the reveiws, they were sweet, especially since this is my first story.**

**In this chapter I wanted you to have more in sight to Bella's feelings and emotions, to know her in her weakness. Some of it is a little un clear of how she feels, just remember she has been locked up for five years, but she's not crazy, just a little vunreable.**

**You can ask as many questions as you want and will answer them as soon as I can. I love to hear your opinions.**

**Anyway hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."- Jim Morrison

In some ways I agree with Jim Morrison and in other's I don't. I'm not afraid to feel, I just avoid it because it hurts too much and I can't fall apart in here, you have to stay strong. It's true about how you carry it. I have to keep the blank mask on through-out the day, but when I go asleep that's when the tears flow forward, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. In a way I do feel stronger with the more pain I have, doesn't make it go away, but it's more ... bearable to handle. I can't let society destroy my reality if there is none in here, there's no society just punishment, beatings, rules for not doing as you're told. And I've grown used to it.

I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard Smith next to me calling my name.

"Isabella, your treatment is now completed and I'll see you in a few days for the next. Or maybe I might see you sooner" I shuddered as I heard the double meaning in his words and his eyes travelled along down my body.

His untied the leather straps that help my wrists and ankles down to the bed, and then removed the rubber piece from my mouth. I gagged in reflex. I hated that thing in my mouth, it was disgusting, but it was the only thing keeping me from biting my own tongue.

Doctor Derek lifted me effortlessly, and I had to bite down on my lower lip to keep from screaming that he was touching me. I couldn't help but notice that he sniffed me. I cringed slightly. Did I mention I hated this Fucking dirty cunt?

He put me down in the wheelchair then proceeded to tie my wrists again, tightly. I'm probably going to have wrist burn on them. We continued through the corridors, hearing the normal screams like we usually do, but I just ignored them. I didn't have the strength anymore to wonder what was happening to them, weather it was pain they were feeling or just pure madness like some people are here.

He opened my cell and wheeled me in, coming to a stop in the middle.

"Now wasn't that nice young Isabella? Now you can have some time on your own to rest, then you will come to the front room with other's so you are not lonely. Is that clear?" I just simply nodded I knew better that to go against him at the moment.

"Right then Isabella I will come and collect you in a few hours" then he turned to leave me with my own thoughts and locked the door. I then noticed that the basted didn't even untie me, so I was stuck here in this damn chair for hours without being able to move. Bloody brilliant.

I wondered what the others were doing and where they were. I hated being on my own, there was too much time to think, too much pain to deal with. And that was all it took for the tears to fall loose and I couldn't even wipe them away. They fell down my cheeks, then splattering on to my shirt. How could my family do this to me? How could they leave me here? They were meant to love me. They were meant to be there for me, but where were they now? Huh? They were all probably exploring their distractions still, especially _him_. I then said the words I haven't said in five years, and never thought I would again.

"I want to go home. I want my mom, I want my mom like she used to be before and my dad. I want my old dad. I'm so, so sorry daddy" it made me cry more and more. I then realised; it was my fault, everything was my fault.

"My fault" I whispered to myself.

I drove _them_ out of their own homes. They did it just to get away from me. That's how much they were disgusted by me. They never wanted to see me again. They hated me, I disgust them, I repulse them, I believed them. All the times they said they loved me, all the hugs kisses, the smiles. They were all lies. Oh how they must be laughing now, how the gullible little human girl believed they loved me. How perfetic they must have thought, how naive I was. I'm never let anyone apart from the people closest to me get in ever again. I will never let people like them in again.

I don't know how much time passed still being in this chair I have nothing to do. I can't even read, which is what I usually do. It's not aloud but Lisa got the book from me; _Tennyson. _It's in the corner of my room behind a wobbly brick I found one day. No one's found it yet and I intend to keep it that way, but like I said _yet. _I can only imagine what they would do to me if they found out. I trust Lisa though. She has helped every single descent person in here including me, I would trust her with my life it the time came one day. Ever since our first real conversation, where she told me all about herself and the people, but she also helped me after my first beating

_

* * *

_

I couldn't believe it, all I did was stick up for myself. Now I've had my fare few of fights at bar's, against men and woman, and i had only gotten away with a few scratches and bruises. But him, I don't know what it was but I just couldn't fight him. It was like her was a whole other person, that knocked me to the ground again and again and I couldn't get up to my feet, no matter how hard I wanted to. A calm facade man on the outside, a evil conniving man on the inside, you could see it in his eyes, the way they sparked dangerous when he heard something he didn't like.

_I don't know how long I sat there curled on the floor until someone began opening the door, I curled more into myself preparing for the next blow when I heard a startled female voice._

"_Ohh my god!" I soon recognised it to be Lisa, and couldn't help but let out a sob of relief that it was her and not the other one. It was the first time I'd cried in months and it felt good to get my emotions out even under this circumstance. It took her a few seconds to recover before she ran over to me and crouched beside me running a soft, warm hand through my hair._

"_What did he do to you?" it was as if she was saying it more to herself than me, but I answered anyway._

"_I didn't mean to upset him, he was shouting so I shouted back, I, I , I hhhounestly d didn't mean it, I just, I just"-_

"_Shh now sweetheart, not now just stay quiet, Shh darling" she helped me up then led me over to the bed tucking me in. I calmed down a little and my breathing got back to normal but I still ached all over._

"_Now there it's alright, it's over now you don't have to go through that anytime soon"_

"_So what you're saying I will have to go through that again?" I really, really never wanted that to happen again, I didn't even do anything much wrong._

"_If you disobey the rules then you probably have to, I know what it was like growing up with this family, and I know the rules. I hate them, I hate them all. But I have to stay here to help people like you."_

"_There are more people in here that don't need to be?" I asked as she cradled me in her arms still stroking my hair._

"_Yeah, there are, some of their family's didn't want them when they were young, some thought there was something wrong with them, that they were crazy, but that was never the case" she whispered to me._

"_Well I'm definitely not crazy" I mumbled_

_She laughed quietly "You have no idea how many people say that here everyday"_

"_Are some of the people here ... crazy ... do some really have problems?"_

"_Yes there is a few, some though never came in that way I'm afraid. The time in here get's to them, never being able to see the sun, being with the same people, the same four walls."_

"_Will you ever let me be like that?" I asked _

"_As long as I can help it, you will never be like the others, and hopefully one day I can help get all the people like you out of this hell. But until then you have to live with it"_

"_How long have you been helping people in here?"_

"_Three years, I've been working here, but I've known about this place nearly all of my life" she answered._

"_How old are you then?"_

"_Twenty three" she simply said_

"_Then why have you not told people about this place" I asked somewhat angrily_

"_I tried once. When I was nineteen. But my uncle caught me and I'm not going to tell you what he did, but I never felt so much pain before that point in my life. I still have the scars physically and emotionally, I was given a second chance, that's why you can't tell anyone about me helping you. A few know, and I will inform them when I get the chance and introduce you to them, so promise me never tell anyone"_

"_I promise" and I really did mean it, if someone was going to help me then I was going to take it._

"_Good. Now tell me about yourself, how old are you?" she asked_

_I didn't want to tell her everything but a little won't hurt. If I did tell her all the truth then she really would think I was insane then she wouldn't help me._

"_Eight-teen" I answered._

"_so young" she whispered to herself "So much to live for" she whispered again "Now I heard that your father put you in here, is that right?"_

"_Yes" I said stiffly_

"_But why? Why would he do this to his daughter? What happened?"_

"_I done a lot of bad stuff. Something happened, which by the way I won't talk about, and I went on the wrong track I guess. I failed in school, went out to parties, done a lot of drugs, and drank ... a lot" I admitted "Then worst of all, I tried to kill myself three times, but they always got there in time, and it annoyed me like hell"_

"_Why would a sweet, beautiful girl like you want to kill yourself, I just don't understand"_

_I scoffed, sweet? Beautiful? Has this girl been living under a rock or has she been spending too much time with the people here?_

"_I don't want to talk about it" I didn't want to think about _them_ or in other words _him_ I wouldn't be able to handle that, I would lose it straight there._

"_Okay, it's okay you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, I understand that" and she obviously did, right when she sensed I was uncomfortable she stopped. And changed the subject though I still didn't really want to talk about my so called parents._

"_What are your parents' names then?"_

"_My father was Charlie and my mother was Renée, I had a step father called Phil" I answered with no emotion._

"_I couldn't help but notice you used past tense"_

"_As far as I'm concerned they were just people who brought me into the world and raised me. Anyone can be a mother and father but it takes someone special to be a mom and dad"_

"_I understand"_

"_What about your parents?" _

"_I don't have any they died in a car accident when I was five, I don't remember them that much anymore, I was raised by mu uncle and his family on my mother's side. They were the only family left so I was given to them." She spoke of her uncle in so much disgust and I wondered what he actually did to her when she tried to tell people about this place, but I didn't ask her about, knowing it would most likely upset her. _

"_Who is your uncle?" she tensed_

"_The man who hurt you" was all she said. How could someone so evil be related to someone as kind as this woman Lisa right next to me? It doesn't make sense._

"_I know what you're thinking, how could I be related to him, well, I ask myself that same question every day, and I still can't seem to find the answer" she paused "Well it's getting late and you should get some rest now you've got a long days ahead of you. You're going to be quite sore tomorrow and for that I'm sorry. I'll you soon, darling" she got and kissed my head, then walked out the door but not before saying goodnight. I settled down deeper in the lumpy bed ignoring the burn my ribs produced and whispered._

"_Goodnight, Lisa" before going into an uneasy sleep_

* * *

Yes Lisa had helped me a lot in her.

She was always there for everyone that needed help, she was a saint. She never did tell me what Derek her uncle did to her, but I have a fairly good guess of what happened, and makes me hate him even more if that's possible. So far so good she has never been caught, and hopefully she never will be.

I could feel myself drifting of in the chair, and I full well knew that when I woke I was going to have the most painful neck, those were my last thoughts as I drifted off in what I wish would be a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

I don't know how many hours had passed, one thing for sure I was absolutely fucking starving. My neck felt like it has thousands of needles stuck in it, and unbelievably stiff, yep! An wonderful sleep if you ask me, catch the sarcasm there? The door finally opened and in stepped the evil ice queen herself aka Miranda, she was Derek's wife, and the most cold hearted bitch around here. Apparently her family the Johnson's as she once was, had a little investment with the business and decided it would be a nice little course. How do I know this? Lisa of course, like I said she tells us everything when she can. Every time we done something wrong she would be there to laugh and insult. I was never the violent type growing up, but she is the first person I have ever wanted to kill aside from the doctor's here.

"Aw did miss little Swan have a nice nap?" she faked her curiosity and concern, I was sure she hoped I'd go to sleep and never wake up.

"It was very lovely thanks" I answered knowing with my cocky attitude I most likely would be in trouble if I carry on, but hey what can I say I like playing her at her own game, it's something else to do in here.

"That's good" she said dryly, like she cared.

"Can I come out now?" I said impatiently. I'd had enough of this little room for the time being.

She came over to me and wheeled me out the room. She was another person forgetting once again to untie me.

"Err you're forgetting something" I said through gritted teeth.

"Ohh? What's that exactly?" she answered sweetly faking innocence.

"Yeah, it's the little things around my wrists and ankles called ropes"

"I very damn well know that, drop the attitude child"

I scoffed, child? "I am twenty-three nearly twenty-four I'm hardly considered a child now"

"You need to grow up then because you still look like a teenager" she sneered flatly. I guess I wasn't the only one that noticed the fact that I wasn't aging and that physically I'm still eight-teen years old. If I had known this it would have saved a lot of worrying when I was that age. Now I know I'll never get a grey hair.

"You're just jealous because you are the one getting wrinkles and crippled while I'm in my youth for eternity"

That was it, she cracked, I got a lovely smack around the face. I gasped when her hand made contact with my cheek. Yeah I guess I kind of pushed her too far. I felt my eyes watering but I refused to let them escape, I would not show my weakness around any of them, ever. My face felt like it was burning, and if my guess was right it would be bright red, like how I used to blush.

"That's enough of your mouth girl, I will not tolerate it again, if you do, then I will make it in my power that you will not make it to eternity" she threatened, and I knew she wasn't messing around now. "Is that understood?" she asked.

I nodded with understanding.

"Now for your behaviour you are going to stay in the chair until morning and no food for you either" she paused "And just to make it clear I _will_ be informing Dr. Frost of your behaviour and he will most likely see to you tonight"

Oh shit! Now I've really dropped myself in it, haven't I? There was no point dwelling on it, I already knew what was going to happen to me. There was nothing I could do to prevent it.

We walked into the large room and Miranda steered me into the direction of the girls, I saw Megan first when I looked into her eyes I saw, anger? What could make her angry? As soon as Miranda left she started.

"What the fuck did that bitch do to you?" she hissed

"Megan please keep it down before you draw attention to us" Abby whispered. I looked over to where Abby pointed out and saw that Dr. Smith and Dr. Alan where in the corner of the room keeping a look out.

"Sorry, but Bells have you had a chance to look at yourself yet?" she asked now attentively. Megan has a lot of mood swings, doesn't she?

"Yeah Bella it's a huge red mark right across your face" Brylane said concerned, Aryan nodded "It looks like it hurts, a lot" she said quietly. Aryan was the shyer one out of the two, they were both different, but completely the same if that makes sense.

"Guys I'm fine honestly it was my own god damn fault you know how I like to annoy her sometimes but today it back fired on me no big deal" I acted like it was nothing, there was no way I was going to tell them of the plans for me tonight they would freak. They didn't seem to believe me that it was no big deal they were about to argue when, thankfully Emma stepped in.

"Now, now girls stop gushing over her. Bella is fine, just like she told you and let's leave it as that" she said. I shot her a great full look and she smiled sweetly back to me knowing that I didn't like the attention.

Everyone stopped bickering between each other and listened with Emma. Whenever she told us to do something we always listened, it was amazing the calming technique she had on us. It was a little like Jasper. No! Don't think about them again, I could already feel the emotion coming.

"Bella are you okay?" Nikki whispered in my ear so only I could hear

"I'm fine" I whispered back "And no I haven't had the chance to look at my face yet because if you haven't noticed I can't even get out of this stupid fucking chair at the moment" I said to everyone irritated, I wanted to get out, my ass has gone numb.

"Ohh yeah, I guess I never noticed that" Megan frowned

"Wow Meg I thought you a little more observant than that" Abby laughed "It must be the blond genes kicking in" she whispered more to herself than anyone else, but of course Megan heard it.

"I heard that you fucking bitch, don't you dare bring up the blond thing, I'll have you know that I am obviously smarter than you"

"Oh yeah?" Abby laughed

"Yes" Megan agreed

"Have you even been to school?" she still laughed

Megan was about to answer but then she hesitated her mouth forming a 'O' shape "Well, I, ah, um, well no I can't say I have" she finally said

If Abby could laugh any harder then she would have "So I conclude that I Abigail Brown is the smarter person than the, Megan Jones who has never attended education" she said in a now serious voice. "Well actually me and Emma are the only ones that have completed school all of you haven't" she said with a smile.

Well she had me there. I about failed every class I went in to and I was put in her the February of my senior year, like I would have been able to graduate anyway. Nikki was put in here when she was nine so she had barely even begun. The twins were put in here when they were six-teen. Megan had been here her whole life. So yeah they were the only two to finish their education. It was quite sad really.

"Huh I never thought of that" Nikki finally said

"Well I was the closest to finish"

"Bella was that before or after you would have been kicked out?" Abby asked

"Hey! I might not have been kicked out" I said not so strongly, knowing that it was a pretty high chance that I would have been.

"Bella, Bella, Bella, please you would have been too busy thinking about you're next fix and having another joint than worrying about school and graduating"

I huffed, knowing she was right "Well can't argue with you there"

"Ohh my god! Did the Bella Swan just admit that I was right?" Abby laughed

"Yeah the thirst time for it and it will be the last time, so savour the memory" I shot back. She rolled her eyes clearly not affected by the comment.

"Don't worry I will make it my life purpose for you to keep admitting that I am right and you are wrong"

"Cocky much?" I asked

"Always, and you know it"

The bell rang signalling that it was dinner time. Nikki got up the wheel me as well, but I shook my head her.

"What?" she asked

"I'm not allowed to eat today" I answered simply

"Is it from the treatment?" she knew it was my treatment day, but hardly ever did any of us bring it up we liked to avoid that part of the conversation as much as possible.

"No" I shook my head

"Then what is it?" she asked annoyed. I knew she wasn't going to give up until she knew.

"Its part of my punishment from earlier" she froze, she hated talking about people having punishment that's why I didn't want to bring it up.

"Oh" was all she said

"Go on you don't want to be late, do you?"

"No I, I guess not"

"Then go get your dinner, I'll be fine, don't worry about me" she hesitated before finally nodding, then turned to leave so she could catch up with the others.

"Oh don't forget to tell the others so they don't worry" I called after her.

"I will" she replied back.

And now what do I do? Just sit here I guess.

I couldn't help but think back to when I was in school, what it would have been like if I didn't go to that party with Jess, would I have worse off or better off, that was the main question, would I be where I'm sitting now if I hadn't of gone? The drugs made me forget most of the time it was like a fog on my brain, I couldn't function without, well I can now but that was out of force and when the doctor's do give you medication it's like a vacation a whole new high for me. It's not a good idea to give drugs to a drug addict but I couldn't care less. I needed them, always. If I hadn't started them then it could have been worse. Waking up every night screaming, not eating, hardly ever sleeping because of the fear, avoiding speaking to anyone, after a while I'd probably get so tired I'd try to kill myself just like on the drugs. So yes either way there's a Farley good chance I would have made in here anyway. A no win situation.

That night, that Friday night changed my life for the better and for the good in a way.

_

* * *

_

It had been three weeks, three weeks since my birthday, three weeks my heart fell apart, three weeks since

they_ left. They left me here, they didn't even say goodbye, well apart from _him_. It was all just a game to them, they were as bad as James with their games, and I wish he did just kill me that night in the ballet studio. No wonder _he _sucked the venom he didn't want to be stuck with me for eternity. Plain old me. _

_I was sitting at the kitchen table looking blankly at my cereal, I could feel Charlie's gaze on me but chose to ignore him. I don't why I even got myself breakfast I'm not even hungry. I think I had about three bites throughout the entire half an hour I've sat here. I heard Charlie sigh loudly but once again chose to ignore it. He kept doing it for the next five minutes as if he were trying to get my attention. I didn't care, I didn't want to talk to anyone let alone my dad._

"_That's it Bella! I'm sending you home."_

_I looked up from my breakfast to stare at him, I didn't understand what he meant_

"_I _am _home" I mumbled_

"_I'm sending you to Renée, to Jacksonville" he clarified._

_Charlie watched with exasperation as I slowly grasped the meaning of his words._

"_What did I do?" I felt my face crumble. It was so unfair. My behaviour had been above reproach for the past two weeks. After that first week, which neither of us ever mentioned, I hadn't missed a day of school or work. I never broke curfew-I never went anywhere to break curfew in the first place. I only rarely ever served leftovers._

_Charlie was scowling._

"_You didn't _do_ anything. That's the problem you. You never do anything."_

"_You want me to get into trouble?" I wondered, my brows pulling together in mystification. I made an effort to pay attention. It wasn't easy. I was so used to tuning everything out, my ears felt stopped up._

"_Trouble would be better than this ... this moping around all the time!"_

_That stung a bit. I'd been careful to avoid all forms of moroseness, mopping included._

"_I am not mopping around"_

"_Wrong word," he grudgingly conceded. "Mopping would be better-that would be doing _something_. You're just ... lifeless, Bella. I think that's the word I want"_

_This accusation struck home. I sighed and tried to put some animation into my response._

"_I'm sorry, dad." My apology sounded a little flat, even to me. I'd thought I'd been fooling him. Keeping Charlie from suffering was the whole point in this effort. How depressing to think that the effort had been wasted._

"_I don't want you to apologize."_

_I sighed. "Then tell me what you do want me to do."_

"_Bella," he hesitated, scrutinizing my reaction to his next words. "Honey, you're not the first person to go through this kind of thing, you know."_

"_I know that." My accompanying grimace was limp and unresponsive._

"_Listen, honey. I think that-that maybe you need some help."_

"_Help?"_

_He paused, searching for the right words again. "When your mother left," he began, frowning, "and took you with her." He inhaled deeply. "Well, that was a really bad time for me."_

"_I know, dad," I mumbled_

"_But I handled it," he pointed out. "Honey, you're not handling it. I waited, I hoped it would get better." He stared at me and I looked down quickly. "I think we both know it's not getting better."_

"_I'm fine."_

_He ignored me. "Maybe, well, maybe if you talked to someone about it. A professional."_

"_You want me to see a shrink?" My voice was a shade sharper as I realized what he was getting at._

"_Maybe it would help"_

"_And maybe it wouldn't help one little bit?"_

_He examined my obstinate expression, and switched to another line of attack._

"_It's beyond me, Bella. Maybe your mother-"_

"_Look," I said in a flat tone. "I'll go out tonight, if you want. I'll call Jess or Angela."_

"_That's not what I want," he argued, frustrated. "I don't think I can live through seeing you try _harder. _I've never seen anyone trying so hard. It hurts to watch."_

_I pretended to be dense, looking down at the table. "I don't understand, dad. First you're mad because I'm not doing anything, and then you say you don't want me to go out."_

"_I want you to be happy- no, not even that much. I just want you not to be miserable. I think you'll have a better chance if you get out of Forks."_

_My eyes flashed up with the first small spark of felling I'd had in over three weeks._

"_I'm not leaving." I said_

"_Why not?" he demanded_

"_I'm in my last semester of school- it would screw everything up."_

"_You're a good student- you'll figure it out."_

"_I don't want to crowd mom and Phil."_

"_Your mother's been dying to have you back."_

"_Florida is too hot."_

_His fist came down on the table. "We both know what's really going on here, Bella, and it's not good for you." He took a deep breath. "It's been three weeks. No calls, no letters, no contact. You can't keep waiting for him."_

_I glowered at him. The heat almost, but not quite, reached my face. It had been a long time since I's blushed with any emotion._

_This whole subject was utterly forbidden, as he was well aware._

"_I'm not waiting for anything. I don't expect anything." I said in a low monotone._

"_Bella-" Charlie began his voice thick._

"_I have to go to school," I interrupted, standing up and yanking my hardly untouched breakfast from the table. I dumped my bowl in the sink without pausing to wash it out. I couldn't deal with any more conversation._

"_I'll make plans with Jessica," I called over my shoulder as I strapped on my school bag, not meeting his eyes. "Maybe I won't be home for dinner. I'll stay round hers or something, we'll watch a movie."_

_I was out of the front door before he could act._

_In my haste of getting away from Charlie I was one of the first people at school. The plus side was that I got a really good parking spot. The down side was that I had free time on my hands, and I tried to avoid free time at all costs. Quickly before I could start thinking about Charlie's accusations, I pulled out my calculus book. I flipped it open to the section we were starting today, and tried to make sense of it. _

_I forced myself to keep at it until the parking lot was full, and I ended up rushing to English. I settled in my seat, pleased of the distraction of Mr. Berty's lecture. Time moved easily while I was in school. The bell rang all too soon. I started repacking my bag._

"_Bella?"_

_I recognised Mike's voice, and I knew what his next words would be before he said them._

"_Are you working tomorrow?"_

_I looked up. He was leaning across the aisle with an anxious expression on his face. Every damn Friday he would ask me the same question. He had no reason to look at me with such concern._

"_Tomorrow is Saturday, isn't it?" I said. Having it pointed out to me by Charlie I realized how lifeless my voice really sounded. _

"_Yeah it is."He answered. "See you in Spanish." He waved once before turning his back. He didn't bother walking m to class anymore._

_Now it was Calculus, where I sat next to Jess. Even though I had hardly ever spoken to her in the last few weeks, she had always greeted me with a smile, which I just couldn't return. But that never fazed her._

_I sat down next to her, and once again she greeted me with a warm smile. This time I _did _return it. She blinked stupidly in shock before she smiled wider. Before I could even contemplate, she threw her arms around me. Hesitantly I returned the hug._

"_Wow!" Was all I could master. _

"_You're back! Finally!" she squealed, again before letting me. I let out a huge breath that I didn't realise I was holding in._

"_What?" I said dumbly._

"_You're getting back to the old Bella again. You actually spoke to me, than just ignored me, that's a super plus."_

"_It is?"_

"_Of course it is silly." she stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world._

"_Oh right." Now the tricky bit. "Well I was wondering if you wanted to go out tonight? I really need a girl's night out"_

"_Sure, I know the perfect thing. It's the road to recovery. You come over to my house tonight, we'll get ready and stuff, then we'll go out. There's going to be this great party tonight in Port Anglers. A proper girl's night out!"_

"_Are you sure?" I asked_

"_Yes! Of course I am Bella! I can't wait! So do you want to sleep round as well after woods?" she asked_

"_Well that was the plan."_

"_Brilliant!" she finished packing her stuff. "Come on lets go to the cafeteria." She grabbed me and pulled me along._

_That wasn't as bad as I thought. Things are looking up. I actually couldn't wait until tonight._

* * *

That was how I got roped into the party. I have to say after I loosened up a little, the party was fucking fantastic, and the best fun I'd had in a while. That's how I forgot about things and after woods I just couldn't stop doing the drugs, not that I wanted because I can guarantee I certainly didn't. I have to say at first I was a little apprehensive about going to a party, in the city. All the possible danger lurking around, but I was wrong it was the danger that made it more fucking amazing.

_

* * *

_

It was after school and I dropped my truck off home and waited for Jess to pick me up to go to her house. I left a note for Charlie, so he wouldn't be worried.

_Jess came speeding around the corner coming to a in front of the house._

"_Come on Bella!" she sang "Get in, we don't have all day!" she shouted_

_I did as she said._

"_Are you sure you don't mind me borrowing some of your clothes for tonight?" she said she was going to dress me. I still hated people dressing me up, that hadn't changed ever, and that was with everyone._

"_No it's no problem."_

_The rest of the ride was silent, but it was a comfortable silence. We reached her house in another five minutes and she led me in. I had to say her house was a lot grander than mine. Everything looked so ... modern, but it was definitely a nice look. Her room had the same design as everything else did in the house but it had her own touch in it. I collapsed down on to the bed sitting Indian style, while Jess picked few things of the floor._

"_Sorry it's a little messy." She said while still tidying_

"_Don't worry, my room is about the same mess if not messier." I told her_

_She laughed._

_When she finally finished she plopped herself down next to me._

"_Well we still have about six hours before we need to go, so now we can just relax. You know what? I'm hungry let's have dinner. We can make something or we can have pizza, which will it? I personally want pizza and will be in a massive mood if I don't get it, so no pressure."_

"_I want pizza too, you don't know what a relief it actually is to not having to cook." _

"_Great!"_

_It took about forty minutes before the pizza arrived, we chatted, and I actually laughed and smiled for the first time in three weeks and it was ... nice to be able to do that. We dressed and I had to say that if I was the one to dress me I would never wear this dress. It wasn't too revealing, it was just right. Jess put heels on me much to my dismay, but it was a lost argument for me. She did my makeup which I usually don't wear. When she was finally finished she let out a low whistle._

"_Damn Bella, girl you look hot! If I wasn't a girl and if I swung that way I'd totally do you."_

_I laughed. "Thanks I guess." _

"_You're welcome." She answered back._

"_Do I really look alright like this?" I asked self- consciously._

"_Jesus Bella you really don't see yourself clearly, do you? Just go look in the mirror." _

_I did as she asked and to say I didn't recognise myself was an understatement. The girl in the reflection looked feisty, beautiful and there was a little bit of life in her eyes. This can't be me._

"_Is that really me?" I asked un sure._

_She snorted. "Bella, yes that is you. Now can we go? They saying fashionably usually goes for me but, being unbelievably late as in, we're so late everyone is trashed the drinks gone flat and all the pot is smoked. That is what we don't want."_

"_Okay, okay, I get it, let's go to this party already."_

_It took about half an hour to get to port Anglers and about and another fifth-teen to get to the house and now, I was suddenly us sure that I wanted to go to this party. The music was so loud you couldn't hear when someone was talking to you. Everyone was dancing and drunk. I had no idea it was going to be like this._

"_Jess do you even know the people who are in charge of this party?"_

"_Of course I do Bella, his name is Tony, I met him like two months ago, he's cool." She sounded so calm, how the hell could she be calm?_

"_Are you sure it's safe?"_

"_Bella don't worry about a thing, you're safe as you can be at these parties."_

"_What the hell does that mean?_

"_Nothing."_

_We had been here about an hour and I was looking out for anything or anyone out of the ordinary. I didn't know anyone here apart from Jess. And I didn't trust them._

"_Bella do you want anything to drink?" Jess asked._

"_Um, yeah what is there?" I answered._

"_Well there's Vodka, Smirnoff, Whisky, Jack Daniel's I think as well."_

"_Anything non alcoholic?" I sighed. I'd never had a drink in my life and I wasn't going to start here and right now with these strangers._

"_Bell it's a party, there's never anything non alcoholic. Now what do you want?" she asked again._

_There was no getting around it. "Surprise me. But remember I'm having just one drink." I said sternly._

_She nodded. "Sure, sure, come on then, let's get you a drink."_

_When I said one drink I obviously meant about eight. Well eight vodka shots, two glasses of Smirnoff, and one glass of Jack Daniel's. I didn't even know a person could consume that much. I followed Jess to a bunch of people who were in the corner smoking, I think. Jess seemed to know them._

"_Hey Josh." She greeted._

"_Heya Jess." Then he looked at me. "Who's ya friend?" he asked._

"_This is Bella, I go to school with her." She answered._

"_Nice to meet ya Bella, I'm Josh." He said shaking hands with me._

"_Nice to meet you too." He seemed quite nice._

"_Bell, this is Natalie." She pointed to a girl with short black hair to her shoulders, she smiled warmly at me. "Tony, the person who's throwing this awesome party. And as you already know Josh." _

_There was a whole round of 'heys' in the air as they greeted me, I just smiled in return. Tony gave something to Jess that I couldn't see clearly._

"_There you go girl, what's a party without getting stoned, hey?" he said._

"_Without getting stoned there is no point in a party." She replied. _

"_Damn right girl." He laughed._

_Jess took the joint lit it then inhaled, breathing in deeply she exhaled smiling._

"_Do you want some Bella?" she asked_

"_I, um, I don't think I should."_

"_Just try it once, and then you don't have to again, I promise. Try something new every day."_

"_Okay what the hell, give it here, I'll give it a go." I said grabbing the joint off of her. I took a big breath and smoked the joint, it burned a little in my throat but other than that it was alright, and actually I liked it. The others cheered. _

"_Fuck girl, you're natural, isn't she guys?" Natalie smiled._

"_Hell yeah!" Josh shouted _

"_Good job, Bells." Tony said smiling as well._

"_Wow!" Jess said astonished._

_I'm not sure what I did the rest of the night. It's blurry._

_I woke up with a massive headache and my hip really hurt, I bet it was bruising, I rolled over and groaned from the sudden head rush._

"_Look who's finally awake." Jess said loudly. It was like cat's nails dragging along a chalk board._

"_Shut the hell up." I whispered to her_

"_Sorry." She said more quietly. "Do you want any breakfast?" she asked._

_My stomach churned at the thought. "No." I groaned. She laughed._

"_Good. Because I don't think I can stay up for another minute. If I had to get you breakfast I'd probably collapse with the effort."_

* * *

Yeah I guess I was a natural.

I heard footsteps coming my way, and opened my eyes to come face to face with what was going to happen to me tonight.

"Hello Isabella, I hear you've been a very bad girl," I cringed at his words. "Well it time for your punishment, well it's not punishment to me is it now?" he said stroking my cheek. It took every ounce of power not to scream for help, knowing I could never be helped. He moved to the back of my chair, to wheel me away from the peaceful memory with Jessica to my horrific nightmare with Dr. Derek Frost.

* * *

**A/N I hope you like it!**

**I'd love to hear your veiws on things like; Lisa do you her, and her character? or what do you think about Miranda? I'd also love to hear your idea's for this story.**

**I've been thinking of doing a Pov of the Cullen's mainly Alice, I had the idea of her having visions of Bella, but Alice never see's her face or voice. Alice's vision would just be a young girl being tortured by some people nearly everyday. None of them have any idea it's Bella. So I'd like to hear of your opinions.**

**I had to put a little bit of New moon in it it just wouldn't be the same if not. I also changed Jessica around a bit so she could fit in and be Bella's friend, and take her to the party where it all started.**

**Also I'd love to have more reviews, it would make my day.**

**I'll try to update when I can.**

**And please review!**


	3. The Knowing

**A/N Sorry I havn't updated in a while, I have no excuses.**

**Hopefully I'll have another chapter soon and it will be in one of the Cullens POV and I was thinking you could give me your idea of what you want in it and who's POV you want.**

**Hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

I'm not sure if it was better knowing what was going to happen to me now, so I have time to prepare for it, or not knowing at all.

Knowing what's going to happen means I know what to expect, right? Truth is, you never see what's around the corner, not all of us are lucky enough to see the future.

I do know these things though, don't make a sound when you're not allowed, grind your teeth, bite your tongue or lip if you have to, just don't make a sound.

Obey everything he tells you, if you do as you are told it will be easier, wait who am I kidding? Of course it won't be easier it will just help. If you obey every instruction though, you'll get through it quicker and come out of it less hurt, hopefully.

I remember the first time when I made all these mistakes. I had done every single thing wrong. I was still high spirited and stubborn, well I still am, it's just back then I was always high on something, it gave me confidence. I refused him, struggled, retaliated as much as I could. Conclusion? It didn't help one fucking single bit. If it did I would be fighting right now. God how much I wanted to kill him and every god damn disgusting other fucker in here, how would I do it though? Easy. Make it as painful as it could possibly be, make him beg for his life just to laugh in his face. Watch him take his last breath and his heart gives its final beat now that would be my wish, my prayer, and my miracle. If I got the chance, even if it was one chance, I would make good on this promise.

I could just imagine the smile on his face right now as he wheeled me to his office. He was smug, no question about it, it was like he had some kind of fixation about me, everything I could get in trouble for, he would be there for the punishment.

We made the journey there, he stopped me just in front of his desk. It was time.

He sat at his desk with a small creepy smile on his face. What was he smiling about? Why didn't he just get in with? My irritation got the better of me.

"Do you like the view?" I barked. I could see the annoyance and a small hint of anger in his eyes but he hid straight away in his poker face, if possible his smirk grew ten times bigger.

"Oh Isabella, yes I definitely like the view." He chuckled. It sent chills up my spine and not in a good way, the hairs on my neck stood up. I stayed quiet and waited to see when he would continue.

It was at least five minutes before he actually spoke.

"Now Isabella, I am very disappointed in you, going out in your way just to annoy you're care givers" he spoke calmly. Yeah care givers my arse. "The kind people are here to help you ad make you feel better, to help you recover. Hmm, but really Isabella if you just wanted to spend time with me you could have just asked instead of getting yourself into trouble, I wouldn't mind." Yeah I know you wouldn't mind. Did I mention he was an arrogant, cocky basted as well? No I don't think I did, well he is, he thinks he's the best, terrific human being in the whole wide world, I disagree and anyone smart enough does too.

"Who would even want to spend time with you? Actually don't even bother answering that it was a rhetorical question. You're a foul, evil, ugly and the most disgusting fucking creature that ever walked the planet!"

His hand swatted out and lashed across my left cheek, leaving a strong sting behind that made my eyes water and the becoming of an obvious bruise that I'm going to find tomorrow.

"Now, now Isabella, how many times must we go through this? Hmmm? When is it going to get across that I am in charge of you, you are mine?" he sighed, scratching his temple.

"It's never going to sink in. The question is when are you going to realise that you're not winning? You can't break me and you are so annoyed with that. I stay strong and my spirit is still high." I smirked.

His hand swung back and flashed forward across my cheek again. Wow! Shit! That one hurt! Sure my stubbornness and attitude is causing me pain, but what can I say? May as well piss him off as much as I can while I can. Yeah I did say obey the rules, just . . . not straight away.

"You can hurt me physically and emotionally but in the end. I'm. _Not_. Breaking. Not now, not ever."

He moved so quick it could have been described as one of _them._ In a flash he was in my face, his eyes glistening with anger. As long as I shall live I will never forget his eyes. The ocean blue sapphires that could be mistaken by an ordinary person, they would think him kind, ordinary like them, a normal person. Look deeper you see the crazy, how unstable he is, the evil.

He was breathing heavy in huge pants, his chest moving frantically up and down as he breathed. His teeth were bared shining in saliva, a bit of drool in the corner of his mouth, I would have found him stupid, a fool, if I hadn't already seen him like this, he was at his breaking point, just a little bit more and he would give in, no more talking, this would be over so I could go to my cell and cry in peace with no one watching.

"Ahh, I see I hit a little nerve there, didn't I?" if his face could get any closer it was now.

"SHUT UP! NOW! YOU STUPID BITCH! SHUT UP!" he screamed in my face. He leached backwards knocking everything off the table, he kicked the metal leg leaving a dent in the middle, and he picked up his leather chair throwing it across the room just missing my head by a few inches. He carried on with his 'hissy fit' while I tried to control my breathing, I was probably panting as much as him now.

He was finished now. He still stood across the room, but with his head leaning against the wall banging against the concrete again and again, breathing in deeply.

"You always have to make me lose my temper my temper, don't you Isabella?" he whispered huskily and not the kind of husky voice I liked, I only ever liked it on one person and it was Ed- _no, no. Him._

I shrugged my shoulders even though he couldn't see.

"I know you like it Isabella." He voice was louder with a deeper string to it. I cringed as it reached my ears. I didn't like it, not even close, I despised it, and I despised him.

He moved, turning around coming closer to me. He turned the chair around facing him, he kneeled down in front of me putting his hand on my knees roughly. I shivered involuntary and as always he took it as a good way to feel good about himself.

"Yes I _know_ you like it. But Isabella, as you said it's never going to sink in that you're mine, well I guess I'm going to have to make it _sink_ in."

One question; what the hell is he on about?

"Wh- what do you mean?" I asked in my shaky voice

"It means exactly what I said, I'm going to make sure it sinks in."

Nope. I still really don't get it.

He moved away from me moving to his now messy disorganised desk, he went to the draw and pulled something out, I tried to get a better look but it was still too dark, I couldn't see it. He laid it down then moved back to me. He made sure that my binds were secure, then went and picked the object up.

I still didn't understand.

"What are you doing? What are you going to do to m-" I cut myself of because I could see the object now in the dim light of the moon, now I knew, I could see it clear as day. It was a knife.

"Ahh didn't take long for you to figure it out, did it?" he chuckled darkly.

Yes. He was definitely going to make it _sink _in. And it was going to hurt. A lot.

He leaned forward towering over me. Surely it couldn't hurt too much, could it? I mean five years ago I used to do this all the time. I loved it; it was something to put my attention on other than the gaping hole in the middle of my chest. Then again, this was different, he wasn't going to cut in the same places as I did and it wasn't going to be as cautious as I was. I had to hide my scars from everyone at school, not because I scared, because it would keep Charlie off my back a little while longer.

"Are you excited honey?" he said sweetly, too sweetly, sickly sweet. I cringed again he just smiled larger like a Cheshire cat.

"Yes you _are very_ excited for me baby aren't you?" he smirked.

I spat in his face making sure it was a big dollop too, I know it would just make things worse for me but I couldn't help myself.

He wiped his face off with his free hand leaving an ugly scowl on his face.

"You know you shouldn't frown so much, it will give you more wrinkles than you already have." I teased, and I really shouldn't off. The next thing I knew the knife stabbed sharply into my arm, not enough for me being critical, most certainly enough to scream out in pain.

"AH! SHIT! JESUS CHRIST!" I screamed, tears were falling effortlessly now down my face, I could have controlled it, he just caught me off guard. I could stop the tears, I know I could.

"Ha-ha! Jesus isn't going to help you know sweetheart." He said slowly dragging the knife down my arm to my wrist.

I finally stopped the tears, I could do this, I could do this, I'm strong enough, this isn't the worst I've faced, so I can fucking do this.

"Stop fucking talking!" he shouted. Ohh shit! I was talking out loud? Damn!

He stopped the knife at the middle of my hand, finally taking it off.

Then he swapped it to the other arm. I bit my lip keeping the scream in my throat, I could feel the blood oozing down my chin from my lip, as much as I wanted to take my teeth off my lip I couldn't, I'd scream the house down.

"You like it baby?" he asked, and then laughed freely. I could feel his fingers reaching up my gown followed by the knife. He continued scraping it across the skin of my thigh, moving slowly down stopping at my calf. I let out a gust of air I'd been holding.

"Just stop, please just stop now get it finished, please." I begged

"Isabella why would I finish now? The fun's only now beginning."

"Then start it! Just stop with all this!"

"But we were having fun baby, hmmm, well, if that's what you want." He murmured.

_Finally_! God I just wanted this to stop. I never usually beg, in fact I haven't in months, I really can't handle it any more, I want it to end, all of it to end.

Well I _thought _he's finished.

He did put the knife down, and then he moved back to his desk taking something else out, it looked like a pen?

Not quite a pen though. It was a small pen knife, they used it in to carve tiny details, I remember when I was thirteen I used one in design, being the old clumsy self I was back then I cut myself with the tip, it hurt like fuck, I needed three stitches on my hand that day.

"What are you going to do now?" I asked not really wanting to know.

"Like I said before I'm making sure it sinks in." He whispered, so quiet I barely heard him.

He moved over to me again, grabbing hold of my hand to make it stay still. What was he doing? He leaned over my arm, his eyes examining it like a blank canvas soon to be a piece of art. Then he smiled, not a normal smile it was like death walked over, all good memories gone, and I was suddenly very cold. He held the knife in his right hand, and then he looked like he was writing on my hand? It took a few seconds for the pain to register with me. Damn! It hurt! He was really writing on my hand! I saw the blood dripping over the sides of my wrist on to the arm rest.

He finished his message and leaned back up with a huge smile on his face.

"Now you'll never forget, this message is here to stay, it will stay put in your mind forever and you will always know who you belong to."

His face was inches away from mine. I could smell the stale taste of his breath on my lips, coffee and the smell of old cigarette smoke. Bitter, stale and old just like him.

He leaned his forehead against mine while his hands were gripping my shoulders tightly. He rubbed his cheek along mine up and down. He was untying the bond on my wrists.

"You're not going to run away from me, are you baby?" he asked

I shook my head.

"That's right sugar you're not, you'll never get away from me, you all could run away one day but I'd catch you all, and I'd be there to catch _you_." He whispered in my ear.

I couldn't help but notice how he emphasised the word 'you' to me. So if I ever were to get out of this place he would follow, he would track me down and drag my arse back here if he had to. With all of this and the chance of getting taken back, I would risk it I would risk it a thousand times over if it would mean the chance to escape.

He reached his hands down un-zipping his jeans, I could see he was hard. How could someone find it a turn on watching someone in pain? It was sick. He slipped in stroking himself. He groaned.

"You see what you do to me baby?" he grunted. "You know what turns me on more? Huh? I know you want it I know you want me inside of you."

He shredded his jeans down to his ankles then doing the same with his boxers. I couldn't look at it, I didn't want to. I turned my head so I couldn't chance catching it in the corner of my eye. His hands skimmed up my legs again taking my gown up with it, he pulled my panties down and he stared at me. He was looking as if I were something to eat. It's kind of weird hearing it in my mind and in a different context from how Mike said it that day.

I didn't even have time to think more before he thrust into me. It was unbearable feeling it, like it was stretching me, ripping me apart little by little. The feeling of weakness, violation, insignificance, was pretty much running through my mind at this moment and every moment this happened.

I closed my eyes, waiting for it to be over. I tried thinking of other things, happier things, like when I was a child. When I had parent that cared somewhat. Gowing up Charlie wasn't there as well, the summer's that I did go to he was always working, when I asked him if we could go to the park he's say later but later never came. Renee was always busy with her new hobby of the week and I was the one to walk myself home from school, cook dinner, remind her to pay the bills. I remember when I was five years old, I was waiting for her to pick me up from school, I waited for two houra and she never came, that night she came home at eight completely unaware that she forgot me untill she saw me. There was them times but then there was others, one christmas whe we didn't have enough money to aford anything she got loads of coloured paper, glitter and glue, she made us a tree with loads of pictures hanging from it, she actually cooked a small dinner that didn't burn, we sat in our pj's on the couch watching movies all day. Although we didn't have presents it was nice, one of the best moments I ever had with my former mother.

When Phill came along Renne was happy, more happy than she was ever with me, she married him like five months after meeting him and she probably is still with him. They're most likely traveling all over the world or even maybe, just maybe they had a kid, maybe they replaced me with another, someone whoo isn't a screw up. Someone who isn't like me.

There was also the time's I could think clearly of the Cullen's, every happy moment with them, every smile, laugh. Edward and me, every kiss, hug, embrace, something I'll never get again, something I'll always miss.

I heard his moaning get heavier, the arms gripping my shoulders started shaking as he got closer, the thing that disgusted me more was my own body. I couldn't control it. I hated to admit that he did make me orgasm, it was my body not me, in my mind it was disagreeing shouting at my body to stop, my body ignored my mind going on with it's own need.

He let out a huge groan and stifened as he came. His head fell to my shoulder trying to catch his breath. I kept my eyes shut tight willing myself away from the nighmare which was my reality. He took a deep breath before pulling out of me moaning at the loss. He stepped back pulling it back it to his jeans zipping it up. He turned around sorting his desk out like nothing happened. I kept my eyes in the same spot glaring in the corner of the room, I wasn't going to cry, not in front of him. I was stronger than him, I always have to be stronger than him and always will.

"Now, you should behave yourself, don't disobey me Isabella, you won't like the consequences." he muttered, then walked back to me turning me around out of the office. He walked me back without a word untying my hands and ankles. He lifted me up, as much as I wanted to shrink away from him, I couldn't, I didn't have the strength, so I let him carry me to my bed. He layed me down, then walked away taking the wheelchair and locking the door behind him. I was finally alone and I finally let the tears rip.

I felt dirty, used, a whore, yes I felt like a whore, a filthy one.

I heard the door open quietly, I braced myslef curling up into a ball. I felt warm hands around me and soothing words. I opened my eyes and was met by soft green one's. Megan. I must have looked really surprised because she laughed a little before smiling.

"What are you doing here?" I croaked between sobs.

"I'm helping you." she said simply.

"Why?"

"Because even though I may not show it Bell, I care about you. You're like a sister to us all, and most of all a friend. My friend so I'm helping you." she ran her fingers through my limp hair.

"Thanks. You don't have to be here." I murmered. She didn't need to be here but I didn't mind I liked her company, she made me feel comfort like a big sister. I havn't felt that in a long time.

"I know that, it's not going to stop me being here though, I'm not that heartless."

"Megan?" I whispered

"Yes?"

"Why did this happen? Why us? Why me?" I sobbed

"I don't know Bella, I hounestly don't know."

"I never done anything before my senior year. I was a good girl, I never done anything wrong, my dad was a cop for christ sake! It was the drugs, the high. It's not fair!"

"Life's not fair honey. It never is." that just made me sob harder.

"Shh, it's okay, calm down before someone hears Bella, we can't be caught." she soothed. Only then did I become aware of the pain raiding through my body. The burning on my skin, I felt all hot and sticky, next I smelt iron and salt, I wrinkled my nose. Blood. I was bleeding.

"It hurts!" I cried to Megan.

"I know, I know, let me have a look Bell," she stood up pulling my arm out softly examining it, she gasped. "What the fuck did he do?" she shook her head.

"Making sure I understood." I whispered in a lifeless voice.

she put my arm back on the bed. "What?" she asked again.

"He needed to make sure I knew, that I understood, he made sure it sunk in." I said in the same voice again.

"That basted!" she hissed. I flinched at her anger.

"Sorry, Bell." she apologized. She knelt down in front of me. "I'm going to be right back, okay?" I nodded. "I'm going to get you some help sweetie, just lay still and I'll be back." once again I nodded. Megan kissed forehead then snuck out the room.

A few minutes later she came back in with a shadow following closely behind her, I didn't know who it was untill I heard her voice.

"Ohh my god." she whispered to herself. She stood there for a few secounds before leaping to my side running a gental hand over my forehead and cheek, examining me, her eyes widened slightly when she looked at the knife wounds. She turned to Megan.

"We need to get her to the shower block, clean her up, otherwise the cuts will get infected and we really don't need that. Help me with her Megan." Lisa slid her hands carefully under my shoulders pulling me up slowly, Megan did the same with my legs. Too quickly for my liking still. I hissed out in pain. The burning going straight between my legs.

"Shh, it's okay Bella. I'ts fine, I know it hurts. Breath, just breath through it." Lisa soothed.

"I am breathing, if I wasn't I'd be dead obviousally." I growled. Wow! growled, well that's a new one.

I knew I shouldn't be so nasty to them especially when they were helping me, I couldn't hellp it though. They could leave me here alone and forget anything ever happened, and knowing my luck the cuts would get infected left untreated. Instead of being angry Lisa laughed a small laugh.

"Ohh Bella, even in a time like this you still find a way to be sarcastic."

"I'll show you fucking sarcastic." I muttered to myself through the pain.

We reached the shower block. Surprisingly this was one of my favourite places. We always had a shower once a week, washing our hair, all the neccities, thanks to Lisa. Not as much as I would have liked to have, at least is was something though. This was a place you could have up to half an hour to yourself understurbed. A place of free thought, where for a moment just for a moment I could pretend to be normal, that this was all a big nightmare in the morning and I would open my eyes. I would be back home in my normal shower getting ready for school. yeah I can dream.

"Okay, that's it, lay her down gently against the wall," I felt the cool surface on my back, it was soothing, the cold was always soothing for me, don't know why though. "Bell just stay still and rest for while."

The only way I could describe myself right now was like a doll. I had no control on what I was doing in anything at all, my limbs felt numb but the pain wasn't gone, ohh it was there alright. You could do anything to me, pick me up, dress me and take me anywhere, I would still have no control.

She looked me once over again and sighed. "I need to go to the storage cubboard for everything I need, if they have it at all. Megan stay here." She leaned to brush a bit of hair out of my face. "I'll be back soon, don't worry." She hesitated before slipping quickly out of the room.

"It will be alright, it may not seem like it now but it will, everything is going to get better, it has to be." She seemed to be trying to convince herself mpre than me.

God the pain. It was hurt so much! It was as if I was pouring salt into a paper cut or something. I wanted to go to sleep or something, but there was too much noise. Hang on, noise?

Was she crying?

"Are you crying?" I asked.

"Is that so hard to beleive? Everyone cries including me sometimes. It's just everything that's happening. You know tonight's the first time I've ever heard you cry? You're the strong one of us and seeing you like this set's in more reality."

I chuckled a little. "Ironic, huh? I always thought that of you."

"We're like ticking clocks, all of us, that's what we are to them. They twist the handle, winding and winding us up, until we explode or something like that anyways. What I'm trying to say is that we're both like clocks and eventually our alarm will go off, that's when we all cry."

It was something like that really, very strange way of putting it, but an effective way as well, I understood her, abit.

"You and me, Megan, we're very simular in many way-"

"Ohh please don't insult me!" She interupted.

"So I'm guessing our tender little moment is over now?" She nodded. "Well I don't freaking care, listen to me and don't interupted again. Me and you are simular in many ways, you put a mask up in front of people, never showing us what you think really, just being in you're shell protected. You put up wall, you don't let people in, you don't want to be hurt like you've seen other people hurt. Megan you havn't been out there in the real world but you know what could hurt you."

"What?"

"We both put on protective masks on to be strong for people we care about. And I can tell you know I'm right because of that smirk, that smirk is part of the protective wall, don't you think?" I asked.

"Maybe."

"Like you said once in a while we have to let out some of our emotions to someone. Someone you trust, mine would be Nikki, she's like my sister or the closest thing I've got to that and a family, I trust her. I would have to say yours would be Lisa."

"Why would you say that?"

"When you said you were going to get me soem help, it would have to be someone you trusted with me, someone who wouldn't hurt us, and you went straight to Lisa. You have known Lisa for half of your life Megan she would be someone you talked to and eventually trusted. She you're confident and friend."

"You are _very_ observant, arn't you?"

"Yes I've been told that quite a few times."

At that very moement Lisa rushed back in the room, with her little supply kit and some spare clothes. She ran to my side and rolled all the things out. There was bandagges, some cream and other stuff I couldn't see.

"Megan we need to lift her to the shower." They both carried me the same way as beofore, I know they didn't mean to hurt me, it still did though. I gritted my teeth together trying to block out some noise. Aparently I didn't do enough, a tiny moan escaped my lips.

"Shh I know it hurts Bella, I'm sorry."

They finally managed to put me in the shower. Lisa turned it on.

"Fuck!" I hissed. "Lee I'm in pain and now fucking freezing to death?"

"Sorry!" After a few minutes of arctic water is eventually warmed up.

Lisa had a small cloth and dabbed my skin gently, washing the now dried blood of my skin and out of my hair. She took a small amount of shampoo washing it in my hair, carfull not to get into any of my cuts. Once she'd rinsed the soap out I managed to stand with the help of Lisa and Megan.

"This is going to sting okay, Bella, only for a little while though." Lisa said. She rubbed the stupid fucking stinging cream into my cuts then bandagged them. They both helped me into new warm, dry clothes.

"I'll change the dressing's tommorro so they don't get infected or anything." Lisa said once we got to my room, they helped me lay on my bed and tucked me in like a five year old, in fact I havn't been tucked into bed since I was five.

"Thank you Megan for helping me carrying her and stuff."

"No thank _you_ Lee, you didn't have to help but you did so that was great." Megan said.

"Can you both just stay with me please, just until I fall asleep." I whispered.

"Of course." Lisa smiled. They both sat at the end of the bed, Lisa took my hand squeezing it gently with hers.

"Night." I sighed.

God I hope I don't dream not tonight, let me have one night without it.

* * *

**Please Review! It would make me very happy.**

**Also who is going to see eclipse the 3rd of July? I am! but I wanna know who else is or seeing it the 30th of June.**


	4. A vision

Tick, tock, tick, tock, the sounds of the clock I'd been watching for the past hour. It was now half past six.

Today it has been five years, seven months, two weeks, fifteen hours, 24 min- yeah you get the point. Anyway it had been all that and more time since we left, left our sister.

Nothing had been the same since.

Carliisle spent more time at the hospital where he was currently working. Emse spends most her time in her office deisghning houses or whatever pop's in her head, she's still our mother sending a kind smile our way once in a while, but it never truely reaches her eyes. Alice is less up beat, less enthusiastic about things like shopping, she will still go just not spending more time there and not spending like she used too. Jasper is wrapped up in his guilt and his self control, which he promised himsefl that he would get perfect, I'm so proud of him. Edward, ohh Edward.

He sits there in his self pirty and hatred. He stares off into space with his thoughts. His eyes are pitch black from not hunting in god know's when and he's quiet, ever so quiet, never speaking just thinking. He's a shell of the man he used to be. He needs to do better, at least try.

Finally Emmett, my Emmett. He used to be the joker of the family always pranking people and making fun of things. He hardly does that anymore, I mean he does, not anywhere like it was before we left. I want my husband back, the one I fell in love with, don't get me wrong I still love him nothing will ever change that, all I want is for him to smile again and have it care free, not forced. He misses his sister, so do I. Carlisle and Esme miss their daughter and we miss our sister, the one who completed our family, made us whole.

"Rose, please?" Edward whispered from somewhere upstairs, most likely the attic again.

"I'm sorry Edward, I can't help it." I apologized. I never got any reply, though I should be greatfull to get at least two words from him. I stood up from the couch making my way to the door, Emmett came around the corner with furrowed eyebrows.

"Rosie where are you going?" he asked.

"Somewhere alone to think, I'll be back in few hours." I pecked hm quickly on lips walking out the front door.

"I love you!" Emmett called.

I smiled a rare smile at the three words. "I love you too!" I called back even though I didn't need to shout.

I sat on the filthy log, hesitating before sitting down, it's not like I'll keep these clothes after today and at least my hair won't get dirty or wet.

Bella had been a touchy subject for all of us, especially Edward the last two years. We had finaly had enough of staying away, the whole family traveled back to Forks hoping Bella was still there and that she'd forgive us. When we arrived to chief Swans we were surprised to see two little children out there playing. The girl and boy had dark russet skin and big gorgous brown eyes like Bella. I think at one time all of us thought they were Bella's kids, I would have been so proud if it was, that my sister got to have that part of humanity I didn't even if a bit of me was slightly envious. The two children came up to us.

"Hey!" the little boy said chipperly, while the young girl hung further back shyly, just like Bella I'd thought.

"Hello." Carlisle replied politley.

"I'm Ben,this is my sis sammy, we're twins!" He exclaimed excited.

"It's lovely to meet you children." Esme smiled down at them.

"We were wondering if we could speak to Charlie?" Carlisle asked.

"What do ya want with daddy?" Sammy spoke for the first time. Daddy? They were both Charlie's?

"We wanted to speak with him, catch with him." Carlisle replied.

"OK! I'll got get em'." Ben ran into the house with sammy followering silently behind.

"I wouldn't of though Charlie would have more kids." Alice said.

"No me either." I mumbled.

"I thought they were Bella's for a moment, they look so much like her." Jasper spoke.

Someone came out the door and it was Charlie, he looked livid. he walked, no rather stomped toward us.

"What the hell are you lot doing here?" he practacly shouted.

"We were just passing through and decided we want to check on Bella." Carlisle spoke calmly. Charlie flinched and Edward's shoulder's sank with his head bowled. he looked as if he could callaspse if it were possible for a vampire.

"Bella's gone." he whispered.

"What do you mean she's gone?" Esme asked Charlie.

"She's dead. Four years ago she commited suicide, me and Renee were trying to help her, you can't help those who don't wished to be helped. Bella couldn't handle things so she took the easy way out." No! it can't be! She can't be dead!

"Daddy who's Bwella?" Sammy tugged on Charlie's leg.

"No one important baby girl, go back inside with you're brother daddy's sorting things out quickly." Not important? How can your daughter not be important?

"Now you know get off my property, you're not welcome here!" Charlie stomped his way back to the house.

How could he be like that? And to speak that way to my parents, my family. I took a step forwards but Emmet put his hand around my waist retraining me and led me back to the car. Esme was dry sobbing on Carlisle's shoulder as was Alice on Jasper's, Emmett looked deverstated, I made my way to hug but stopped. Edward had no one. I went to him and wrapped my arms around him. He didn't return my hug but I didn't care, he deserved a hug.

"Love you, brother." I whispered into his chest before moving back to Emmett.

Edward was a nightmare for months after that. He tried going to Italy to be killed, if it wasn't for Alice he would be dead. The only reason he's still here now is most likely because of Esme. Now he's starving himself or trying to, he knows it won't work from Carlisle, but he uses it as a punishment I guess.

Then there's me. I know I was never there for Bella, I was a horrible bitch to her worse than that really. I never hated her. She was giving everything up for Edward, he humanity, love, ageing, children, she was willing to give up all that in a flash. If I had the chance to become human again I so would, Emmett as well. I would of loved tiny little Emmett's around, a little girl with golden blond hair blue eyes like mine and perfect little dimples like her father's. A dream that will sadly never come true.

Yes I was a bitch to Bella but I loved her like a sister, I was only protecting my family and keeping my distance from her so she could let go of us and move on with her life happy. Now she's dead she'll never know how much I care for her and miss her, I'll never get a chance to apologize.

It was getting dark so I decided to get off home. It was silent when I got there, nobody was talking just watching T.V, I plopped myself down next to Emmett laying my head down on his shoulder and he put his arm around me in return.

"Did you have a nice time thinking?" he asked breaking the silecne.

"Yeah it was nice but I missed you too much." he smiled and leaned down pressing a soft kiss on my forehead.

Suddenly Alice gasped, we all turned to look at her, Jasper moving his arm around her to keep her up. Her eyes glazed over. I wanted to know what the vision was about the only one's she's had lately was what the weather would be like and shopping sales. Carlisle always said that vampire's gift's never deteriate but get's stronger, that's what happened to Alice's gift. She is now able to show all of us the vision if she chooses too. It's like dreaming and sleeping apart from we're vampire's and it's impossible to sleep. I wondered what it would be this time.

_There was a dark room with a small lamp in the corner. I also saw a desk. There was a man there, standing in front of someone in chair. He moved back and it gave me clear veiw of the person, it was a girl she had long wavy hair that just reached her waist. Her head was bowled down but she was still watching the man in the corner of her eye. She could tell he was looking at her and smiling._

_"Do you like the veiw?" She barked. it was muffled out you could barely understand it, there was something familiar though I couldn't figure it out. I liked this girl she was feisty and gave him a run _

_"Yes, I deffinitley like the veiw." He looked angry that she spoke though he hid his anger quickly._

_It looked like a few minutes before he spoke again._

_"Now, I am very very disappointed in you, going out in your way just to annoy you're care givers" he spoke calmly. "The kind people are here to help you ad make you feel better, to help you recover. Hmm, but really if you just wanted to spend time with me you could have just asked instead of getting yourself into trouble, I wouldn't mind." he smirked. His voice sent shivers down my spine which was hard to do to me._

_"Who would even want to spend time with you? Actually don't even bother answering that it was a rhetorical question. You're a foul, evil, ugly and the most disgusting fucking creature that ever walked the planet!" She hissed. Her voice was southern but there was a twist in there aswell like two accents mixed together._

_He slaped her across the face, the sound echoing through the room. Her eyes watered a little but she held the tears in, there was an obvious bruise forming._

_"Now, now, how many times must we go through this? Hmmm? When is it going to get across that I am in charge of you, you are mine?" he sighed, scratching his temple._

_"It's never going to sink in. The question is when are you going to realise that you're not winning? You can't break me and you are so annoyed with that. I stay strong and my spirit is still high." She chuckled lowly._

_He slapped her again. Harder._

_"You can hurt me physically and emotionally but in the end. I'm. Not. Breaking. Not now, not ever." She spoke with confidence._

_He moved a few inches away from her face, his eyes blazing with anger. He was breathing hard like he just ran a marathen._

_"Ahh, I see I hit a little nerve there, didn't I?" his face got closer to her now._

_"SHUT UP! NOW! YOU STUPID BITCH! SHUT UP!" he screamed in her face. He leached backwards knocking everything off the table, he kicked the metal leg leaving a dent in the middle, and he picked up his leather chair throwing it across the room just missing her head by a few inches. He carried on with his 'hissy fit' while the young girl tried to control her breathing._

_When he finished he stood the other side of the room banging his head on the wall._

_"You always have to make me lose my temper my temper, don't you?" He whispered out of breath and huskily._

_She shrugged her shoulders._

_"I know you like it Isabella." He voice was louder with a deeper string to it. She cringed at it as did I._

_He moved, turning around coming closer to her. He turned the chair around facing him, he kneeled down in front of her putting his hand on her knees roughly. She shivered away from him and he took it as a good thing._

_"Yes I know you like it. But, as you said it's never going to sink in that you're mine, well I guess I'm going to have to make it sink in."_

_I didn't like how he said that._

_"Wh- what do you mean?" She spoke in a shaky voice._

_"It means exactly what I said, I'm going to make sure it sinks in." What?_

_He moved away from her and only then did I notice she was tied to the wheelchair. He was at his messy desk searching for something. He walked back over carrying an object, a knife. He was going to make it sink in._

_"What are you doing? What are you going to do to m-" She didn't finish her sentense now seeing the object in his hands._

_"Ahh didn't take long for you to figure it out, did it?" he chuckled darkly._

_He leaned towards her towering over her small frame._

_"Are you excited honey?" he said sweetly, too sweetly, sickly sweet. She cringed again as he smiled larger._

_"Yes you are very excited for me baby aren't you?" he smirked._

_She spat in his face showing him how wrong he was. He wiped it off of his face leaving a scowl behind._

_"You know you shouldn't frown so much, it will give you more wrinkles than you already have." She teased. He stabbed the knife in her arm, she screamed out in pain clearly not expecting it._

_"AH! SHIT! JESUS CHRIST!" She sreamed. Tears were falling down her face as she willed to stop them._

_"Ha-ha! Jesus isn't going to help you know sweetheart." He said slowly dragging the knife down her arm to her wrist._

_She stopped the tears now, you could see the determination in her eyes._

_"I could do this, I can get through this, I'm strong enough, it's not the worst thing I've faced, I can fucking do this." She whispered to herself_

_"Stop fucking talking!" he shouted._

_He stopped the knife at the middle of her hand, finally taking it off._

_Then he swapped it to the other arm. She bit her lip keeping the scream in her throat it seemed, I could see the blood oozing down her chin from biting her lip so much, even through the blood out of her lip she didn't take her teeth off._

_"You like it baby?" he asked, and then laughed freely. I could see his fingers reaching up her gown followed by the knife. He continued scraping it across the skin of her thigh, moving slowly down stopping at her calf. She let out a gust of air she's most likely been holding been holding._

_"Just stop, please just stop now get it finished, please." She begged._

_"why would I finish now? The fun's only now beginning."_

_"Then start it! Just stop with all this!"_

_"But we were having fun baby, hmmm, well, if that's what you want." He murmured. He seemed pleased of the fact that she's begged._

_He did put the knife down, and then he moved back to his desk taking something else out, it looked like a pen?_

_Not quite a pen though. It was a small pen knife, they used it in to carve tiny details._

_"What are you going to do now?" She asked not really wanting to know._

_"Like I said before I'm making sure it sinks in." He whispered._

_He moved over to her again, grabbing hold of her hand to make it stay still. What was he doing? He leaned over her arm, his eyes examining it like a blank canvas soon to be a piece of art. Then he smiled, not a normal smile it was like death walked over, all good memories gone, and I was suddenly very cold. He held the knife in his right hand, and then he looked like he was writing on her hand? He was really writing on her hand! I saw the blood dripping over the sides of her wrist on to the arm rest._

_He finished his message and leaned back up with a huge smile on his face. She wouldn't be able to see what he had written but I could._

_'You are mine'_

_"Now you'll never forget, this message is here to stay, it will stay put in your mind forever and you will always know who you belong to."_

_His face was inches away from hers. He leaned his forehead against hers while his hands were gripping her shoulders tightly. He rubbed his cheek along her own up and down. He was untying the bond on her wrists._

_"You're not going to run away from me, are you baby?" he asked_

_She shook my head._

_"That's right sugar you're not, you'll never get away from me, you all could run away one day but I'd catch you all, and I'd be there to catch you." He whispered in my ear._

_I couldn't help but notice how he emphasised the word 'you' to her. He reached his hands down un-zipping his jeans, I could see he was hard. How could someone find it a turn on watching someone in pain? It was sick. He slipped in stroking himself. He groaned._

_No! No! No! Please no, not her, she doesn't deserve it!_

_"You see what you do to me baby?" he grunted. "You know what turns me on more? Huh? I know you want it I know you want me inside of you."_

_He shredded his jeans down to his ankles then doing the same with his boxers. I couldn't look at it, I didn't want to, but I couldn't look away. His hands skimmed up her legs again taking her gown up with it, he pulled her panties down and he stared at her._

_She closed er eyes tightly holding back tears as he pounded into her._

It was horrible! No one should go through that! he was sick!

I dry sobbed in Emmett's chest with his arms around me. Esme was shaking her repeatedly, Carlsile tried to calm her. Alice was staring off into space most likely thinking about the vision, Jasper had his head in his hands rubbing his forehead, struggling with all the emotions in here. Edward was currently glaring at Esme's vase which hadn't done anything to him.

Hang on, Edward?

"That foul creature deserves to die for what he fucking did!" Edward snarled eerily.

"Edward laguage!" Esme snifed. She was glad he was down here and obviousally upset with the vision hersefl, she wasn't going to let Edward get away with bad manners though.

"How could any human be that sick?" Alice whispered.

"I don't know." Carlisle told her.

"I do." I mumbled into Emmett who tightened his hold on me.

"She was strong though," Jasper lifted his head. "For all the things she's gone through, she's very strong. The restraint she held with knife is just..." he trailed off.

"She was so young, where was her family? he parents? Or was he her family? If he was that's just horendose." Of course Esme would think of the girl's family going all maternal, but she was right. Where was the young girl's family?

Carlisle sighed and squeezed Eme's hand. "I too wonder that, the can't be more that seventeen, eighteen at the most. If cut's were not be seen to they will than likely get infected."

"That's horrible."

"I think we should track that fucker down and rip him to shreds!" Emmett growled.

"I will happily agree to that, I'll rip the wannker's head off myself" Edward nodded.

"Me too! That little shits got it comming!" Jasper joined.

"Boy! Language please, none of that in my house." Esme chidded.

"Sorry mom." They mumbled simutanisley, which braught a smile to her face, she loved it when we all called her that.

"We do need to help, we can't just leave her." Alice pleaded.

"No we can't, we will all help find her Alice, no matter how long it takes." Carlisle agreed with her. Alice squeeled in response mumbling something about having to go shopping.

"Well I'm going hunting." Edward announced. We all turned and stared at him.

"What?" he asked.

"What made you decide?" Jasper asked.

"Rose."

"Me?"

"Yes, you, you made me realise that I have to try and I haven't tried yet, so I'm getting together, moving on." He smiled a rare smile and it finally reached his eyes. Esme leaped up and hugged him, this time he actually hugged her back.

"I'm so proud of you son." She kissed his cheek.

"Me too." Carlisle patted his shoulder.

"Well done Eddie boy" Emmett boomed. Edward frowned but didn't drop his small smile.

"Stop calling me that."

"Never." he vowed

"Okay." Edward said simply.

"What did you say?" Emmett asked confused.

"I said 'okay' brother." Edwards shrugged his shoulders and walked out the door.

"What does that mean?" Emmett shouted after him into the wood dissapearing into the tree's with him.

"I'm so glad he's getting back to normal." Esme smiled.

"So am I. We all are." Jasper nodded.

"Alice are you sure about all of this? It won't cause us harm at all?" Carlisle asked.

"No I don't think so, I can't see anything else on the girl now, it's like a wall's been put up and I can't climb over or something. I know she is very important to us or going to be though. Trust me on this, don't bet agaisnt me." She smiled before running of upstairs so she could do some online shopping.

Yes never bet against Alice


End file.
